27 July 2010, 11:42 am
OK Bliss, it's your turn to work your magic! Punctuation, or any other changes or additions you want to do, take it away, build on my rough first draft below. I think it's better than my first attempt though. Anybody else who has any ideas, comments, critique feel free! Soul Protector by Ashlyn Valentino Charlie grabbed the picture from his night stand and bolted out of the front door almost tripping over Alfie, grandma’s 105 year old (in dog years) yellow lab. They shared the same birthday together, only one year apart. Charlie was only 14 but he felt older and wiser somehow since the passing of his parents and grandfather. Alfie acknowledged the disturbance of his nap with a lazy, single bark, then settled his head back down on his arthritic paws to slumber the rest of the summer day away. Across the street, Ashley was playing in her tree house, pretending to fish off of one of the large supporting branches that supported the house in the tree itself. Charlie skipped into the back yard and waved up at Ashley. “Hey, what are ya doin?” his hands behind his back, sporting a silly grin from ear to ear. “Trying to fish, but SOMEbody is swimming where I’m trying to fish and scaring them all away!” “Maybe you need better bait?” “Get up here before the sharks get you!” Charlie scrambled up the board ladder nailed to the side of the tree and climbed through the bottom hatch of the little tree house. Crawling along the branch to the wooden platform that Ashley was fishing off of, Charlie gingerly positioned himself next to his cute little brown hair, brown eyed neighbor who he’s had a crush on since he can remember. Ashley’s mom poked her head out of the second floor house window, “you two better be careful up there! Oh let me get the camera, you two look so cute!” Charlie and Ashley looked at each other and made a sour face. They both felt self conscious when forewarned about a picture being taken. Mom came out with an old Polaroid camera and pointed it up towards them on the tree branch. “Say cheeseburger!” Ashley’s mom beamed behind the camera. They beamed back at her arm in arm celebrating a simple but memorable summer day of their youths. As the flash lit up the shadows of the giant oak tree, Charlie could feel Ashley start to tremble and shake. This wasn’t good. She sometimes, rarely had a tendency to go into epileptic seizures, but they were so rare and usually while watching tv or looking at the computer screen! Before Charlie really grasped the seriousness of the situation, Ashley shook free of his arm and slid off of the edge, plummeting towards the green grass 15 feet below. Her mother screamed and ran to where she landed on the ground. Charlie scuttled down the tree in shock. “No, no, no!” Ashley’s mom cried as she gently lifted her head, finding a tree root underneath along with some blood. Shock turned to urgency. “Call 911…. now.” As he quickly, nervously dove his hand in his pocket retrieving his cell phone, he called for help. “They’ll be here soon Mrs. Valentino” he said almost on the verge of tears looking down at Ashley’s now still body. The convulsions stopped once she lost consciousness. Charlie reached in his pocket instinctively as his mind because numb with sadness and found the picture. He pulled the picture out and looked down at his grandfather’s peaceful, angelic smile. The picture showed his grandfather and himself when he was maybe 7, pausing for a break on their hike along a wooded path of the Appalachian Trail. This was his most cherished and favorite picture of them together. It was the doorway. He knew what he had to do, and he had to do it quickly. Charlie kneeled down and held Ashley’s hand. The air became light, as the surroundings began to blur, he allowed the darkness and butterflies envelop the both of them all the while repeating in his head, “come on, come on, you’re going to be ok.” He held her hand as firmly as possible without trying to hurt her. His love for her was pure and innocent. Charlie would not allow anything to happen to Ashley. After the whirlwind of wings and bright lights subsided, Charlie came back to consciousness. He found himself laying on the ground next to the trail. His eyes fluttered open discovering his grandfather’s gentle, wise eyes looking back at him. “Where is she? Is she here?” Charlie asked starting to look around. “She’s fine, she’s right here Charlie, you did good” his grandfather said consolingly, pointing to his side at Ashley as she began to stir. Charlie smiled in relief, and reached over to hold her hand again. “She’ll be ok as long as she’s here… until she gets some help” Grandpa explained. “What happened? What’s going on?” Ashley said in a fog, and began to sit up. Charlie sat up along with Ashley, “everything’s going to be ok.” They looked into each other’s eyes, as Charlie smiled. Thanks Shantel! :) Ultimate Dancer, oh thanks! Yeah, that's supposed to be "became", but it's not spell checkable since the word is spelled right, I think that's why I missed it :) I know it needs some work, and the transition or more detail I'll leave up to my writing partner :) I'm glad so far the general basic storyline is liked though! Overall I think I just want to leave the whole reasoning behind things a mystery and leave it up to you guys. I dunno, was it a magic picture? A gateway to his grandfather's spirit? A halfway place between earth and heaven? You tell me. We could make the characters younger if you want. I used to play pretend in tree houses up until 15 or so, but they can be around 12? What do you think?... Read More »
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